What I Hate Most About My Depression:
I am depressed – that is how I felt all weekend, with no reason. I somewhat isolated myself, I was irritable and distant at times. Despite the unseasonable warm weather on Saturday, I felt like I was in a dark and gloomy place and I felt very little happiness. Friends and family noticed, and I knew they where there for me, but for the most part it was just a rough weekend. After my son asked me if I was upset with him last night, it really made me think about my depression. I wasn’t upset with him at all; I was just withdrawn and had put some walls up. I went to bed saying to myself I hate depression. I started to think about what I hate the most about it.
First I want to say that I am happy that my depression has decreased over the years, with the help of better coping skills as well as developing and actually using my support group … at least most of the time. I am also thankful that rarely do my depressive days lead to suicidal thoughts anymore.
I understand that with depression, there comes sadness. However, I can never wrap my brain around the why, and why the feelings of hopeless and doom occur at random times it seems. Here are the 5 things I hate the most about my depression and the 5 things I do to manage:
1. I hate that I feel sad, when there is absolutely no logical reason to feel sad. I have a great family,
great job, and good friends. I have a beautiful granddaughter who fills my heart with so much
happiness, but despite this I just feel sad. Not that I want something bad to happen in my life to give me a reason, I just want it to make sense.
2. I wish I wouldn’t pull away from those who care about me the most, especially when I need them the
most; However, all I want to do is put a wall up. It makes no sense, but that’s what I do.
3. I hate that when I am depressed I come across as irritable and hateful. I am not, I am just hurting, yet I can’t even explain why, because I don’t know why.
4. I hate that I can’t explain to others or myself that there is no rhyme or reason as to why I feel
depressed a lot of the time.
5. I hate that my depression impacts others negatively.
The good news is that I do know that it passes, usually pretty quickly, and that I have great support system whom understands and respects me and my depression. I have also learned so much about myself and about other people as I have learned to live with my depression.
Five good things I have done for myself:
1. Truly invest some time into positive coping skills because they matter
2. Develop a support system; family, friends and mentors with lived experience
3. Keep visual reminders around of things that remind me of happiness and hope
4. I learn to reach out and talk. Sometimes I choose not to talk about the depression but rather about
something, anything else. This helps me not isolate further even though this is difficult because my
natural instinct is to shut down and isolate from everyone.
5. Try to relax, I know it will pass, and I will survive.