tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15587213623266100062024-03-13T19:49:48.324-07:00Listening Saves LivesUsing our #livedexperience to try and be #WorldChangersRickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-34247814638140511172021-04-07T22:02:00.001-07:002021-04-07T22:02:58.744-07:00Does the Ocean Remember<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rQJdECpHfLQ/YGZNbLvZEMI/AAAAAAAACPY/sp_dqelq7ocP6vxbStTaivuK6JMbaJWQQCLcBGAsYHQ/s653/Christmas%2B1992.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="653" data-original-width="550" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rQJdECpHfLQ/YGZNbLvZEMI/AAAAAAAACPY/sp_dqelq7ocP6vxbStTaivuK6JMbaJWQQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Christmas%2B1992.jpg" /></a></div> <span style="font-size: x-small;">Christmas 1992 </span><p></p><p> </p><p class="MsoNormal">I have always loved seeing the ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been lucky enough to see the ocean when
it is peaceful and when it is storming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve seen the calming, relaxing waves as they come to shore and I have
seen the larger waves during a storm that shows the power of the ocean.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I can remember the very first time I saw the ocean, not the
exact day, but the circumstances around it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was at Marine Corps bootcamp and I was 18 years old. We were on a hump,
or what civilians would call a hike, except we were in uniform, wearing combat
boots and carrying about 70 pounds on our back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember the first glimpse of the ocean
and its beauty and how it seemed to just go on forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember
getting to the beach and seeing, hearing, and smelling the salt water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I close my eyes and think hard enough, I
can feel that memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is one of my
favorite memories.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I remember the last time I saw the ocean; it was during the
summer of 2020.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I returned to a beach
where I had a lot of memories in North Carolina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been to the ocean several times since
I left North Carolina in 1994 but I had not been back to that location in 26
years.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During that trip we spent four days staying on the beach, and
I think I felt every emotion possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This was not something I was expecting or prepared for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had so many happy and so many sad memories
attached to this part of the ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was from what seemed to be like a different life of mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When planning this trip all I could think
about was how nice it would be to see some of the same areas, see the base I
was stationed at, and see the ocean where we used to go on weekends on a
regular basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When we arrived at the hotel our rooms had a view of the
ocean and a patio with a door that opened so I could see, hear and smell the
ocean again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were going to be there for
several days. I was so excited; yet, within an hour of being in my room, I
started to cry, and I could not figure out why. I was just overwhelmed with
emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often, I felt some emotion when looking at
the ocean, but this was different.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As my feelings of being overwhelmed started to settle, I
looked at the ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It became clear
what was happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many memories were
rushing in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Almost like every wave that
crashed on the shore, was another memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some memories where happy, some were sad, and some brought up some complex
emotions.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Some of the happy memories that the ocean brought me that
week.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Memories of Christmas 1992 – my mom, dad and brother skipped
buying gifts for each other and used the money to come out to North Carolina to
visit us and to meet Joshua, their first grandchild and my brother’s first nephew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On Christmas Day we went to the ocean. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mom, brother and I walked in the ocean even
though it was too cold to swim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We laughed
and had so much fun! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the one and only time my brother got
to see the ocean. This trip was also the last time I ever got to see him alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so thankful that fun memory.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another happy memory the ocean reminded me of was weekend trips
with my oldest son Josh, when he was a baby. I remember one time while crawling
on the beach he decided to crawl right towards the ocean! Luckily as fast as he
was, we were a little faster and prevented him from crawling into the ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The ocean brought me some memories that weren’t so happy<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On March 21<sup>st</sup> 1993 my wife at the time, Josh and
I went to spend the day at the ocean. It was such a beautiful day and we
enjoyed the waves and sun. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we got
home, the phone was ringing. When I answered the phone it was my dad. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me my brother had been in a car
accident and died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have felt so much
hurt and pain over this day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Losing my
brother was painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt guilty for
enjoying the day, while my brother’s life was cut short. I also felt guilt and
anger at myself because my parents had been trying to get ahold of me, but we
were at the beach and I wasn’t there for my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I could have gotten the phone call sooner,
maybe I could have got a flight out that day instead of waiting until the next
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much pain associated with that
memory.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On July 18<sup>th</sup>, 1993, my wife at the time, Josh and
I went to the beach that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that
day was different. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had already made
the decision to end my life and it was going to be that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This trip to the beach was my way of saying
goodbye to my immediate family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After
returning home that afternoon, I attempted to end my life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thankfully my wife interrupted my attempt.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As I sat in my room last summer watching the ocean, it
continued to bring me so many memories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At one point, I became angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was angry for the version of myself I lost 26 years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was on a path, the path I thought I wanted
to be on and everything changed. For a few minutes I felt like the ocean was
slapping me in face with each wave reminding me of what my life could have been
like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Throughout the four days we were there I spent hours just
watching the ocean from my room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
first I really regretted returning to this particular part of the ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never actually went into the ocean on
that trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, over those four days
of having the ocean bring in these memories, it ultimately became a healing
process for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that it helped
me make peace with part of my past that was still holding me back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During this trip, I accepted that part of my life was gone. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also realized I am incredibly happy with my current
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I accepted I can have sad times,
but ultimately still be happy and thankful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am thankful for the memories of my mom, dad, and brother that
Christmas Day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am thankful for the
other memories of the ocean I shared with my mom and dad. In the last few
years, we visited the ocean in California and on the east coast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am thankful for the memories with my
children and grandchildren from our visits to the ocean on two different
vacations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so appreciative of the
four days I spent with my memories of the ocean and that process of
healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The ocean brought me so many memories during this trip, it
makes me wonder if the ocean remembers. <o:p></o:p></p>Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-5895187675291978722018-07-18T03:59:00.000-07:002020-05-12T13:36:27.449-07:0025 years later – what have I learned<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Today, July
18</span><sup style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">th</sup><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">, is my birthday, I am 45 years old.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">July 18</span><sup style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">th</sup><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> is also the day, when I
almost ended my life and would have altered so many others lives.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Whether it be luck, an act of God, or
something else, my attempt was interrupted.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">So today is my 25</span><sup style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">th</sup><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> anniversary of a second chance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It makes my
mind ache and my heart hurt to think of the effects my death could have had on
the people I care about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My parents
would have lost their second child in the same year, my oldest son would have grown up
without me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter, youngest son, and two
bonus daughters, they wouldn’t even be here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I would not have two granddaughters that bring such happiness to my
heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many amazing friends and
acquaintances I wouldn’t have met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
I believe to be my true calling in life never met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I will never
understand, regardless of how much I read, research and train, what exactly
could cause my brain to believe I was better off gone, that the people I loved
would be better off, that I would be doing them a favor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sitting here with a mostly healthy mind, I
know that isn’t true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in 1993, </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">and
especially the weeks leading up to July 18</span><sup style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">th</sup><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">, they were consuming,
and it appeared to be the only true option that made sense.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">I had to struggle so hard every day to stay
alive.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am so
thankful but will probably never understand why I was lucky enough to
survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to have such guilt
about this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I meet people that
have lost someone to suicide, and I see their pain, their hurt, I felt guilty
that I lived, even though I was glad I lived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
also re-enforced the pain I would have caused the ones who cared for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This journey
has been tough, thought provoking, I have learned so much, and realized there
is so much I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This year I
will spend my birthday working on last minute details for our 5<sup>th</sup>
Annual Suicide Prevention and Awareness Conference - the eighth conference I have helped
organize since deciding a little over eight years ago, I had to do something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Getting to
set up this conference is a birthday gift to me, it is part of my continued
healing and continued resolve to help break down this discrimination towards
mental health struggles that some call a stigma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is rewarding to know that I am part of
these changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It is my
dream that it may also be a gift to someone who is struggling, struggled in the
past, or has someone they know is struggling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 17.12px;">When I celebrate my 45<sup>th</sup> birthday, I will really be celebrating, my 25 years of second chances, and hoping I can help make a world where many others can have their second chances.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here are
some lessons I have learned in these twenty-five years. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; mso-border-insideh: cell-none; mso-border-insidev: cell-none; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-table-layout-alt: fixed; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1024; width: 623px;">
<tbody>
<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0;">
<td colspan="2" style="border: none; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 467.5pt;" valign="top" width="623">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lessons
I have learned and want to share<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 1;">
<td style="border: none; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 233.75pt;" valign="top" width="312">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lessons I learned<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
</td>
<td style="border: none; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 233.75pt;" valign="top" width="312">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lessons I want to teach<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 2; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td style="border: none; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 233.75pt;" valign="top" width="312">
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am glad to be alive</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That when I feel overwhelmed or have impulsive thoughts, they
will pass</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Being open and honest is so important to me</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. On<span style="color: black;">ce I
was able to do that, my true healing began</span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am not alone, the dark painful feelings I have felt, so many
others have</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The more I learn about suicide prevention and reaching out, the
more I learn it is about just being there</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">.<span style="color: black;"> I don’t have to have the
answers, just let someone know I care</span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border: none; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 233.75pt;" valign="top" width="312">
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That anyone can learn to help someone who is struggling</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. L<span style="color: black;">et
someone know you care and listen</span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Never judge someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, has
attempted or died by suicide – they aren’t being selfish they are or have
been struggling and in so much pain, a pain, I can’t even put into words</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Have open conversations with the people you care about</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">.<span style="color: black;"> </span>L<span style="color: black;">et them know, that suicidal thoughts can be very common,
but that they don’t have to act on it, they can go away and that you are
there for them</span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you are struggling it can get better</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. <span style="color: black;">Let me
or someone help</span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="border: none; margin-left: .5in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-border-shadow: yes; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-padding-alt: 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt 31.0pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">●<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You know someone who is struggling right now</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you or
someone you know is struggling please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-8255 or text 741741, there are people who can and want to help you
through this crisis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_gjdgxs"></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you are looking for some resources to help you through
some tough times, please go to thi</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">s website</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">
</span><u style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #0563c1;"><a href="http://www.nowmattersnow.org/"><span style="color: #0563c1;">www.nowmattersnow.org</span></a></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">you can see great examples of skills that can
be used.</span></div>
<br />Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-59338180880705065962018-04-24T19:22:00.000-07:002020-05-12T13:27:55.395-07:00A Tale of Two Griefs
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Within four months, two
hugely influential women in my life passed away. Both women taught me life
lessons that I will always carry with me. Both women taught me how to manage
difficult situations. Both women taught me how to look past misconceptions and
see the woman herself. Both women taught me how to stand up for what and who I
believed in. However, I can only talk to you about one of those women. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Audrey was my
supervisor, my friend, and one of the women in my life that was an example of
strength, ferocity, and passion. She laughed with me, cried with me, pushed me,
and inspired me to make changes in not only my world, but the world of mental
health, suicide, and law enforcement as a whole. I can reach out to our mutual
friends when I am missing her more than usual. I can reach out to her husband
to check in and see how he is doing. I can share with the world how much she
inspired me to “give ‘em hell little one”. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I can not tell you
about the other influential woman that I lost. I can’t tell you how she
challenged me weekly over the four years that I worked with her. I can’t tell
you how her progress and growth inspired me to continue working with consumers
that others deemed too difficult. I can’t tell you about how her resilience and
strength inspired me to never give up on an individual. I can’t share with you
how her humor and unorthodox affection changed the way that I viewed what a
relationship between clinician and consumer can be. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Both of these women
shaped me into not only the woman that I am but also the clinician that I am. I
am able to see past barriers and challenges and instead of shying away from
them; rather, I stare directly at them and push through. I routinely remember
her statement of being an “iron fist in a velvet glove” when I am pushing
another consumer to acknowledge some of their unhealthy thinking or behaviors.
I still cry when I want to share good news with either of them. It is difficult
when it is her regular appointment time or when I want to run upstairs to share
something with Audrey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With one of these
women, I am supported and encouraged to grieve and share my stories about our
life together. With the other woman, I am not. Our life is over. The tears, the
laughter, the growth, and the relationship are expected to just end. Be done.
Move on. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
grief I feel over the loss of both of these women is equally as powerful yet in
some ways the grief that I experience from one these women is at times way more
difficult. I can’t share our stories. I can’t share who she was to me. I can’t
tell the world how much she meant to me. In fact, my grief over losing her can
be seen as a hindrance and as a weakness. This is the reality of clinician
grief. We are encouraged to create and nurture relationships that create change
yet when those relationships are ended by death, we are expected to just move
on. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
am not dismissing either of those influential women. Each of them taught me so
much about who I am, personally and professionally. I refuse to forget what
each of them taught me. I will continue to draw from our relationship and the
strength that each of them taught me. I remember you. I see you. </span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-7880417671647279652017-10-15T16:00:00.000-07:002020-05-12T13:36:15.937-07:00Goodbye to a #worldchanger<br />
This blog is different - it is about the loss of Audrey Burger, the Director of Clinical Operations of Community Counseling Center, who recently passed away, way too early. Losing her is impacting my lived experience right now, as I work to grieve in healthy fashion. This blog references my colleagues Nic and Heather, and my daughter McKenzie.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qNy_VwPkxrc/WePml4OfmPI/AAAAAAAABaM/cHR47W8PpgATd_783gjVdunTqEKdjYVtQCKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_0535.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="537" data-original-width="960" height="179" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qNy_VwPkxrc/WePml4OfmPI/AAAAAAAABaM/cHR47W8PpgATd_783gjVdunTqEKdjYVtQCKgBGAs/s320/IMG_0535.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Audrey<br />
<br />
Today, one week ago, you left this world. How do I say goodbye to someone who changed my world and the world of so many others? You were my boss, my friend and my mentor. You taught me so many important lessons. The amount of loss I am feeling is hard to put into words, but I am going to do my best. <br />
<br />
I know that our paths crossed for a reason, even though I was resistant. The day I found out I was going to be working for you and I impulsively quit my job. I didn’t want to work for Audrey Burger. I remember that you did not react with anger. Instead, you asked if I would be willing to meet and share my concerns. During that discussion I realized several things. The reasons I didn’t want to work for you were based on the comments of less than stellar employees. I learned quickly that you had a passion to serve our community and to work towards making things better for the consumers we served. You would not accept anything less than the best for our consumers. So, I stayed. You were a leader. You became, hands down, my favorite boss. <br />
<br />
You encouraged me to pursue my passions with suicide prevention. When I asked about having a suicide prevention and awareness conference in Cape, you were completely on board. This is when our true connection started. You shared the loss of your brother to suicide and the hurt you felt. Before I decided to make my lived experience of a suicide attempt known publicly, I sent you a copy of what I planned to say. I was nervous, afraid that you would see me as less of a person or not able to do my job because I struggled with depression and had once attempted suicide. You simply stated, "I am so glad you are here. We've got to do more." You saw my experience as a strength.<br />
<br />
When I started to build our co-occurring program, you provided encouragement and support on an ongoing basis - it was a slow start. Today, October 15, is the four-year anniversary of the program. We are helping so many people.<br />
<br />
I was lucky to get to work with you on many other projects and talk about future projects. Audrey, I will continue as will the many others you have touched. We will pull together, support each other and complete the goals you had: to provide better care to our communities, raise awareness and promote suicide prevention.<br />
<br />
You were invested in helping me grow, not just as a professional, but as a member of the human race. You worked with me to find balance. You helped me understand the business side of what we do so that we can continue to help those who need it. You taught me it was great to have passion and to go for it. You provided support and encouragement when I doubted myself. I have reviewed many emails and texts you sent me and there was such a re-occurring message of support and respect towards me. You also promoted a balance of being with my family and having fun.<br />
<br />
My 13-year-old McKenzie asked me what I liked best about working with you. I was able to narrow it down to two things: 1. You made tough work fun, we could laugh and joke, but still be working on serious things and, 2. You made me believe we really could change the world. I always wanted to, but often didn’t think it was really possible.<br />
<br />
I never doubted you had my back. I also never doubted if I was wrong that you would let me know. But you would do it in a way that I still could grow as a professional. <br />
<br />
One of the last emails I received from you clearly stated that you would look out for Heather and me, even if it was from Heaven above. That email was only five days before you passed, it is almost like you knew I needed to know.<br />
<br />
On Monday, Nic shared an email that you sent him, that I was going through some tough times with my daughter and you were concerned. You asked him to look out for me while you were gone.<br />
Those two emails help provide peace for me. It gives me peace knowing how you felt about me and knowing that you knew how I felt about you. I am so glad that we had open communication. I am so glad the last text I ever sent you was a meme declaring you the queen. I hope it made you smile.<br />
<br />
Last July we were having dinner the night before our conference. We had a table full of passionate people eating together, joking around, and talking about things we wanted to do. Heather said something about "our table of world changers." That name stuck. Over the fifteen months we have included the #worldchanges on many social media posts, and you included it on the back of our conference t-shirts.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VQ5U2FLBBdI/WePmyHAQILI/AAAAAAAABaQ/MBQy4upyWskt7toNR65bkfh0kmkI5zq_ACKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_0536.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="476" data-original-width="747" height="203" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VQ5U2FLBBdI/WePmyHAQILI/AAAAAAAABaQ/MBQy4upyWskt7toNR65bkfh0kmkI5zq_ACKgBGAs/s320/IMG_0536.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<img src="webkit-fake-url://c0e2c771-06ac-4e46-82ad-c27ae960d297/imagepng" /><br />
In addition to how you directly impacted me, you impacted my family. My dad repeatedly told me that I needed to keep working for you, that you truly cared, and that you seem to enjoy your work. You connected with my mom, providing her support as she was working on an Out of the Darkness Walk in Farmington. You donated $100 to help her reach her goal, despite having your own walk. I know my mom will miss you as well. <br />
<br />
You also had a relationship with McKenzie and you have inspired her. You helped her get her song to music and recorded. This gift has increased her confidence and further increased her desire to be and advocate.<br />
<br />
That’s just it Audrey, you inspired so many people. I hope when I leave this world, that I can leave at least half the impact that you have. So many of us are hurting because of your loss, but despite that hurt, we want to do more because of you.<br />
<br />
Yesterday after the funeral, I went out to your house. I got to hear more Audrey stories, but I also got to visit with some of our work family. After leaving your house, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, your work will continue. You have developed an army of people who not only want to change the world, but thanks to you, believe we can.<br />
<br />
I’m wondering as I close this letter, do I even really have to say goodbye. I know you will be looking out for me from above. I have it in writing. I also see so much of you in the people I get to work with every day. You are a part of so many people. I will let you know that I will miss you, your smile and your sense of humor.<br />
<br />
Till we meet again – Rick (or as you liked to call me Ricky)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wtcIxWGRK0A/WePm54l_uSI/AAAAAAAABaU/2cl20vim6jULwTT-fmLtPIAE4mLS3gW3ACKgBGAs/s1600/IMG_0537.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="790" data-original-width="1428" height="177" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wtcIxWGRK0A/WePm54l_uSI/AAAAAAAABaU/2cl20vim6jULwTT-fmLtPIAE4mLS3gW3ACKgBGAs/s320/IMG_0537.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<img src="webkit-fake-url://5567d019-accb-401a-9991-50e6cdec1963/imagepng" />Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-56542021695956962952017-06-26T21:16:00.001-07:002020-05-12T13:28:45.749-07:00Why Are You Here?
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Who did you lose to suicide? Oh, nobody. Well are you an
attempt survivor? No? Hmm. Well why are you here?”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This
was asked to me by one of my fellow suicide prevention advocates when I first
began to get involved. I honestly didn’t know how to respond. My first instinct
was to apologize.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not sure why I
felt the need to apologize. Then I got a little frustrated because I felt as if
my passion and desire to help and educate others to prevent suicide was being
questioned. Luckily,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can still answer
no to those questions. THAT is why I am here. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have
not always been passionate about suicide prevention. It was not until my dear
friend Rick opened up to me and shared that he was an attempt survivor that I became
passionate about <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>suicide prevention.
Until that point, I was like most other people in the mental health field; I
knew that suicide was something that happened yet I still had blinders on to
the impact that suicide has on our society as a whole. Rick’s story inspired me
and changed the way that I viewed suicide forever. I immediately learned that
ANYONE can experience suicidal thoughts and that ANYONE can attempt. This was a
massive eye opener for me and I wanted to do more. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THAT is why I am here. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That
conversation changed the course of my life. I have since become a Mental Health
First Aid Instructor, am on the board of the Eastern Missouri Chapter of the
AFSP, created #SEMOSecrets, a campaign on my college campus to get students
talking about their own mental health secrets,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>and have attended and volunteered at numerous Out of the Darkness Walks.
I have very open and honest conversations with my children, friends, and family
about mental health and suicide. Yet, I still don’t feel as if I “fit” into the
suicide prevention community. THAT is why I am here. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have struggled a lot over the
last few months with how and where I fit into the community if I have not lost
someone to suicide and if I am not an attempt survivor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not know the pain that losing someone to
suicide brings nor do I know what<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it
feels like to live in so much emotional pain that I see death as a welcomed
alternative. But, I could. I am not immune and my friends and family are not
immune. Although I have not felt pain associated with suicide, I have felt
emotional pain. I have learned how to use my pain to connect with others. I
have been able to use this, coupled with the education I have learned about
suicide prevention, to help others share about their thoughts of suicide. The
truth is that I NEVER want to feel the pain of a suicide loss and that drives
me. THAT is why I am here. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I may not have experienced the pain
of losing someone to suicide but I have experienced the pain of having a friend
tell me that they were thinking of ending their life. I have experienced the
pain of hearing a friend tell me about their son/daughter/spouse die by suicide
and what they wished they would have known. I may not have experienced the pain
of their situations, but I do experience the pain of those conversations and
that pain is what drives me to educate, advocate, and yell a little louder.
THAT is why I am here. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My hope is that everyone is
educated in suicide prevention. My hope is that teachers, mailmen, grocery
store clerks, neighbors, friends, carpenters, bankers, EVERYONE is educated in
suicide prevention. Our goal is to prevent suicide. How better to prevent
suicide than to talk about it, become passionate about it, educate others about
it before someone dies by suicide? THAT is why I am here. </span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-43074997678867650282017-06-11T18:21:00.000-07:002020-05-12T13:36:07.689-07:00Dad do you have a few minutes<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Do you
have a few minutes to talk? – my son said when I picked up the phone. Three
months later thinking about the conversation brings me to tears. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Hello</span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: Do you have a few
minutes to talk (crying)</span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Of course, what’s wrong<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: (short pause) Dad, I am calling you, um because I promised you
if I ever felt this way I would let you know<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Suicidal?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: Yes… I didn’t want to let you down<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Son, can you please wait for me to come
home so I can talk to you in person<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: No, I am just calling because I promised you I would, I don’t
want to let you down<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I had so much fear, I wanted
to say “Son please don’t do this to me.” I wanted to call the police to my
house – to get him safe. I was thinking, “Is this the last time I will ever get
to talk to my amazing son, who I love? How do I help him, how do I not screw
this up? Will I ever get to hug him again? Please God help me.” I felt a rush of insecurity. All these
thoughts played in my head. <br />
Then I started to think differently, “I have more training than most people in
this area, and I have my own lived experience from a suicide attempt. What
would I want and need?” <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Son I am so sorry you are hurting, I can
tell how upset you are, I wish I could take that pain away from you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: I know you do Dad.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">First thank you so much for calling me, I
love you so much.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: I love you too.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Can you tell me about what you are
feeling?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: (shares some things that brought him to where he felt like suicide
was his only option) Dad I am so sorry.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Son, you have nothing to be sorry for.
Again, I wish I could take this pain away from you, but we both know I
can’t. I can’t promise you any type of
quick solution, but I can promise you, I will be with you while you go through
with this.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: I know Dad, but I just
can’t do it anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Have you decided how you would kill
yourself<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: Yes. (tells me the means
and that he was going through with it as soon as we got off the phone)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Can you do me a favor?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: What? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Can you please wait until I get home and
we can talk face to face and that I can give you a hug? I am not saying you have to promise to never
kill yourself, but can you please wait 90 minutes for me to come home and give
you a hug?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: I can do that<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Thank you son, I love you.</span></i><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I sent a text his sister who lived close by and let her
know briefly what was going on and asked to her to go to the house and talk to
her brother about anything until I could get there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: Did you tell Shayna to
come over here?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Yes, I didn’t want you to feel alone.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: Okay<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Will you wait for me to come home?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Son: Yes<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We talked a few minutes, I told him I would call when I got
on the road, but I needed to let my work know I was leaving and I would call
back in few minutes. I called about five minutes later and he answered, I told
him I was on the way. We talked for about 10 minutes, he was also talking to his
sister. I asked him if he would please call me if things changed and he didn’t
think he could wait till I got home. He agreed, I texted his sister and she was
also going to call me if for any reason he tried to leave. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I
arrived home. I gave my son the longest
and probably hardest hug of my life. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We spent some time talking about his suicidal thoughts and
plans, we talked about future goals/plans. My son, daughter and I went for a
late lunch and we talked about past and future vacations and family activities then
that night we had dinner with some friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The
next day my son said, “When my Dad got home we had a hug out and the reason I
didn't kill myself was because I could truly see that my family including
sister loved me. Kinda brought me back
to reality I guess.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It has been almost three months since that call. Is there
still a risk of suicide? The answer is yes. But having the open communication
and respect for each other, I am very hopeful that that risk will continue to
decrease. I know that he knows I will always be there to talk to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Lessons
Learned<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am grateful I talked to my kids about suicide
and other mental health topics, including my own suicide attempt<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am glad I have had training in what to do and
how to do it. Otherwise I would have
panicked and may have said things that made the situation worse<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">That being a suicide prevention advocate does
not exempt me or my family from mental health crisis<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Truly just being there with someone is the best
thing you can do, letting them know you are there with them and not being
judgmental<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Not rushing to extremes is important<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">That I don’t know what the future holds for
sure, but I believe that my son and I having this experience has brought us
even closer together. When he says he will call me if he ever has a plan to
kill himself, I trust he will call me. And I hope he knows when I say I will be
there with him through the pain, that I really will.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There really was not a clinical skill needed (I
wasn’t being a therapist), the intervention I did was listen, not panic, and be
there<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I encourage everyone to get training such as Mental Health
First Aid and/or ASIST.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If you are having suicidal thoughts please call
1-800-273-TALK (8255).<br />
You can also visit NowMattersNow.org for strategies to build a more manageable
and meaningful life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-91158314806775135422017-03-20T18:59:00.001-07:002020-05-12T13:35:57.403-07:00The Day My World Changed Forever<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xDctaYvxUyo/WNCHYb56r9I/AAAAAAAABS8/zR22vzUJqAgZT_RxjsMwzT2FUN1ZQJ8owCLcB/s1600/Mathias%2Band%2BI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="279" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xDctaYvxUyo/WNCHYb56r9I/AAAAAAAABS8/zR22vzUJqAgZT_RxjsMwzT2FUN1ZQJ8owCLcB/s320/Mathias%2Band%2BI.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I was trying to decide what to blog about this weekend, I
had many things I thought about writing, but deep down I knew what I
needed to share.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
March 21, 1993 was the day that changed my life forever. I can remember that day like it was
yesterday. That was the day my youngest brother and only sibling, Mathias died in a car accident at age 17. I was 19 years old. At the time I was living
in North Carolina. My brother was my
best friend growing up and the grief of that loss put me in a downward spiral
that resulted in my attempting suicide less than four months later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had struggled with depression most of my life, many times
wishing I wasn’t alive, but it wasn’t until the days following my brothers
death, that I actually wanted to die and eventually resulted in my suicide
attempt.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This will be the 24<sup>th</sup> anniversary of his death
and it has been a very long and tough journey. "Mathias each year I mourn your death, I mourn my loss of your friendship, being
your brother and I mourn that I won’t ever be an uncle to your children." Each year I cry; sometimes externally,
sometimes internally, sometimes both. I usually try to
keep myself very busy on this anniversary and this year will be no different.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the 24 years since my brother died, I have felt lost so many times. I remember someone
asking me many years ago to look for the good in his loss. My response was pretty much "Fuck
You". <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But as I sit and reflect the weekend before this painful anniversary, I can say I have learned a lot in this time. I’m not going to say
it’s a silver lining, but I have grown as a person. I am able to use the pain I have felt to
allow me to better connect with the people I work with who are experiencing
emotional pain. Without my being
suicidal and attempting suicide, I would have never gotten involved in suicide
prevention and I would have never felt this passion, this drive to make a difference.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Clinically I have learned what risk factors and warning signs are and which ones I had. I also learned
what drivers I had as well shadow factors. I know now when my sleep gets really bad I'm at risk, and need to make changes. This knowledge allows me to help me look for
these things, as well as other things, in others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have learned I will always hurt, I will always have this
void, and that is okay. Your life was worth me feeling a void, but I know
that void doesn’t have to define me. I
can use this to help others who also feel a void. I also no longer have to say what if, I can say, what can I do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So to my brother, "I always will love you. I will always miss you. Your death has forever altered me. I will choose to continue to move forward
and you will always be a part of this with me."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Note: the picture was taken in January 1992 when I was at home after completing boot camp)</div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-56065533131128314592017-03-05T10:54:00.000-08:002020-05-12T13:29:06.743-07:00Is Today the Day?
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Is today the day that I am able to eat a meal and
enjoy it or will I have extreme feelings of guilt and thoughts of failure for
eating what others consider a reasonable amount of food?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Is today the day that I can look at my body with
pride for what all it has experienced and overcome or see it as a myriad of
little parts that need to be fixed?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Is today the day that I will be able to adequately
verbalize my experience with an eating disorder or will I be met with confused
looks and misunderstanding?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Is today the day that I will be able to be vulnerable
in sharing my thoughts that are ever present in regards to my eating disorder
and be met with compassion and an attempt at understanding or will I<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>be dismissed and told to love my body?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Is today the day that I will be able to go through
the day with little to no thought about food, body image, or my eating disorder
or will those thoughts and feelings come crashing back with a vengeance? </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Is today the day that I will be able to receive a
compliment and believe the compliment or will I assume that the person is being
patronizing? </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This is what my recovery from an eating disorder
looks and feels like to me. There are days, weeks, and hell even months that go
by when I think that I have recovered. Then, when I least expect it, the
thoughts, feelings, and even sometimes the behaviors come back with a
vengeance. I have had to reframe what recovery means to me. Recovery used to
mean to me that I would be 100% healed, cured, fixed, etc. However, that is,
quite frankly, bull shit. My recovery is not that neat and pretty. My recovery
is inconsistent, messy, frustrating, confusing, ever changing, and powerful. I
choose to look at my recovery as powerful because I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have learned that although I don’t know what
each day will bring, I also know that I am strong enough to overcome it. My
recovery is powerful because I can use my recovery to empathize with others who
are recovering as well. My recovery is powerful because at one time, I did not
see or experience the strength that my recovery has shown me that I possess. So,
even though my recovery is messy and frustrating, it’s mine. Is today the day I
will struggle or is today the day I will triumph? The truth is today may be the
day that I experience both. </span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-66972175110700580792017-01-24T10:11:00.000-08:002020-05-12T13:35:42.781-07:00The five things I hate the most about my depression<div class="MsoNormal">
What I Hate Most About My Depression: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am depressed – that is how I felt all weekend, with no
reason. I somewhat isolated myself, I
was irritable and distant at times. Despite
the unseasonable warm weather on Saturday, I felt like I was in a dark and gloomy
place and I felt very little happiness. Friends and family noticed, and I knew they
where there for me, but for the most part it was just a rough weekend. After my son asked me if I was upset with
him last night, it really made me think about my depression. I wasn’t upset with him at all; I was just
withdrawn and had put some walls up. I
went to bed saying to myself I hate depression. I started to think about what I hate the
most about it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First I want to say that I am happy that my depression has
decreased over the years, with the help of better coping skills as well as developing and actually using my support group
… at least most of the time. I am also
thankful that rarely do my depressive days lead to suicidal thoughts anymore. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I understand that with depression, there comes sadness.
However, I can never wrap my brain
around the why, and why the feelings of hopeless and doom occur at random times
it seems. Here are the 5 things I hate
the most about my depression and the 5 things I do to manage:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
1. I hate that I feel sad, when there
is absolutely no logical reason to feel sad.
I have a great family, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
great job, and good friends. I have a beautiful granddaughter who fills
my heart with so much </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
happiness, but despite this I just feel sad. Not that I want something bad to happen in
my life to give me a reason, I just want it to make sense.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
2. I wish I wouldn’t pull away from
those who care about me the most, especially when I need them the </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
most;
However, all I want to do is put a wall
up. It makes no sense, but that’s what I
do. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
3. I hate that when I am depressed I
come across as irritable and hateful. I am not, I am just hurting, yet I can’t
even explain why, because I don’t know why. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
4. I hate that I can’t explain to
others or myself that there is no rhyme or reason as to why I feel </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
depressed a
lot of the time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
5. I hate that my depression impacts
others negatively.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The good news is that I do know that it passes, usually
pretty quickly, and that I have great support system whom understands and
respects me and my depression. I have also learned so much about myself
and about other people as I have learned to live with my depression. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Five good things I have done for myself:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
1. Truly invest some time into
positive coping skills because they
matter<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
2. Develop a support system; family,
friends and mentors with lived experience<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
3. Keep visual reminders around of
things that remind me of happiness and hope<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
4. I learn to reach out and talk.
Sometimes I choose not to talk about the depression but rather about </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
something,
anything else. This helps me not isolate further even though this is difficult
because my </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
natural instinct is to shut down and isolate from everyone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
5. Try to relax, I know it will pass,
and I will survive. <o:p></o:p></div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-88360922189610820952017-01-02T14:14:00.001-08:002020-05-12T13:29:23.488-07:00Balance: Lessons Learned from 2016
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<a href="https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lynnebaab.com%2Ffiles%2F1457456889596.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lynnebaab.com%2Fblog%2Fbenedictine-spirituality-balance-and-par&docid=L-uHjSpxOpm5jM&tbnid=i-fn3l7hA_QwLM%3A&vet=1&w=934&h=431&bih=673&biw=1366&q=balance%20photo&ved=0ahUKEwjb-q6zvaTRAhVX22MKHXCdA9gQMwhvKBcwFw&iact=mrc&uact=8"><span style="color: windowtext; mso-no-proof: yes; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><span style="mso-ignore: vglayout;"><img alt="Image result for balance photo" border="0" height="152" src="data:image/png;base64,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" v:shapes="Picture_x0020_1" width="331" /></span></span></a></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Y’all, I have been struggling. I have been struggling at
trying to maintain some balance in my life lately. Between work, school,
relationships with my children, my husband, my family, and friends,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>teaching, and the other day to day stressors,
I have felt as if I were just treading water and not getting anywhere. No.
Scratch that. I feel like I have been water boarded….and I’m the one dumping on
the water. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I thought I was maintaining balance well; I am doing well in
school, my work has been good, my relationships with friends and family are
great. However, I have had a sense of….doom? Pressure? Feeling overwhelmed?
Anxiety? I consistently have felt as if I’m missing something or falling behind
in some area, whether or not this was a fact. I have experienced these feelings
for a couple months now and they finally resulted in my getting pneumonia and
being physically and mentally exhausted. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Having pneumonia forced me to rest. Oddly enough, I was
stressed because I was forced to rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All
I could think about was how far behind I was going to be at work and in school.
(Although the forced rest resulted in a renewed love of cheesy Lifetime movies.
) As a counselor and a Master’s student, we learn a lot about burnout. I am not
a fan of the term “burnout”. To me, burnout<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>conjures visuals of burnt wood. That isn’t me. I’m not burnt, crispy,
and weakened by the pressures of my job. Yes, at times my job is emotionally
draining because I get to listen to people on some of their worst days.
However, that is also one of the parts of my job that humbles me and inspires
me. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After the mandatory rest and the Thanksgiving holiday, it
clicked as to why I was feeling so….heavy. I was out of balance. I love the
work I get to do on a daily basis with my clients. I love going to class and
being surrounded by people who are bound and determined to make a difference. I
love teaching Mental Health First Aid and helping someone realize that they can
help save a life. I love advocating for mental health and suicide prevention. I
love spending days not doing a damn thing but curling up on the couch watching
movies with my husband, kiddos, and pups. How could I love each part of what my
life consists of and still feel overwhelmed? I realized that even though I
loved each ball I was juggling, I could drop everything I was juggling if I
held onto one ball too long. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">On Christmas break, I went down home to Louisiana. Not only
did I go home, but I did something that I have never done before-I left work at
work. I left work at work for an ENTIRE week. Weird, the world didn’t stop spinning.
I talked with my Mama on the backporch with a cup of coffee. I visited with my
Mom. I watched my kiddos interact with my parents. I laughed and talked with my
siblings. I slowed down, experienced, and enjoyed each day home. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I would have liked to end this blog by stating that I found
the magic key to balance but I didn’t. The antibiotic, PowerAde, and Lifetime
movie trifecta didn’t result in any profound algorithms to suddenly create
perfect balance in my life. However, the realization that I need (and probably
so do you) need more balance in my life is pretty damn big. I also learned that
SLOWING DOWN can have a major impact on keeping a more balanced life. So, going
into 2017, I can’t promise that I won’t juggle too much or get overwhelmed at
times. However, I can strive to slow down, focus on the small things, and know
that it’s perfectly ok to not have the perfect answer to creating perfect
balance in my life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-79382679014377627222016-12-05T21:24:00.001-08:002020-05-12T13:35:32.317-07:00The gift of life<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
The Gift of Life</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oAtWu6WwWJQ/WEZPi8ry43I/AAAAAAAABPU/jS9rbE8VjCABogZgKOlq1BypBCa03YkbQCLcB/s1600/AVA.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oAtWu6WwWJQ/WEZPi8ry43I/AAAAAAAABPU/jS9rbE8VjCABogZgKOlq1BypBCa03YkbQCLcB/s320/AVA.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />
<img src="webkit-fake-url://60b9dad9-75ec-4671-828e-d3ef96c758fe/imagepng" /><br />
<br />
Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be alive. Since my suicide attempt, I have experienced so many different emotions. I was happy to be alive, I’ve been depressed, felt guilt for attempting, and guilt for surviving. <br />
<br />
During the last seven years, I have been proactive in suicide prevention, and the last three years I have been open and honest about my attempt and my lived experience. My experience has also brought out so many different emotions from fear of being judged to such great relief that it was no longer a secret. I am working on being open about my lived experience whenever I am given the opportunity. This isn’t easy for an introvert, but I hope that sharing my story may help save someone’s life. <br />
<br />
Last Monday I started a new chapter in my life; I became a grandfather. This experience is so amazing, and I can’t even begin to explain the feeling. I have a joy that is intense. <br />
<br />
While holding my granddaughter yesterday, I was overwhelmed with happiness and this very thought came over me: I didn’t die from my attempt, I chose to live. Even though it was tough, I not only saved my life, but I also saved the life of my children and my grandchild. <br />
<br />
This has further increased my motivation to work in suicide prevention. Each life we can save helps save an additional life. We get to save a life we don’t even know about yet. This very thought makes me happy. Please join me and help continue to share the gift of life.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-47883476539902158982016-11-06T13:30:00.000-08:002020-05-12T13:35:14.344-07:00Never give up <div class="MsoNormal">
To give up or not give up- that is the question. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sometimes feel like giving up; to some this may be
surprising. I wish I could say that
my depression was completely gone, and that it never surfaces again, but that
would be a lie. There are more days than
I would like to admit when it takes every bit of energy to just get out of bed
and try. Clinically that is called doing the opposite action. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fighting the urge to give up it is something I have struggled
with as long as I can remember. There
have been times when I have given up or set things on pause. There have also
been times I did just the opposite and I pushed through, sometimes even over
compensating for the thoughts of wanting to give up. When I would do this, others would give positive feedback stating
that I am an over-achiever and although in some ways that may be true, a lot of times it was more a way of surviving.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The flip side of this I am always encouraging others not to
give up. I don’t lie and promise a bed
of roses, but I do believe that if they want to make changes and they are
willing to do the work, I am all in to help them. I won’t give up on them regardless of how many
barriers they face or if things go wrong. Even if they give up, I won’t give up. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This past week I had a phone call where a mom was trying to
get her adult son into our co-occurring program. She said she knew he has to
come in and do the work. She said she
has been told he was a “lost cause and she should give up”, but she didn’t want to give up on him. As a tear rolled down my cheek, I told her she should never give up on her
son and that we would never give up on him because myself, and my team, do not
believe in lost causes. I explained that none of us can guarantee the outcome but
we can never give up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so disappointed in my field that other professionals encouraged this
mother to give up on her child. As
professionals, we owe it to all we work with to have an attitude that never
gives up and not only have that attitude, we need to go further and let those
we work with know that we won’t give up on them. We can’t make their decisions for them, but
we do control the way we view the people we work with.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I processed this call with a colleague and friend, it
reminded me, how much I rely on those who don’t give up me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
To give up or not give up is the question; the answer is
never give up. Not on yourself, not on
me, not on those we work with and not on anyone. Sometimes our support is the only strength that they may have. <o:p></o:p></div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-3956195622200660522016-09-21T04:50:00.000-07:002020-05-12T13:29:57.090-07:00 “Manly Men” Can and Should Communicate<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><img alt="Image result for manly man" height="433" src="data:image/png;base64,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" v:shapes="Picture_x0020_1" width="433" /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br /></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I am a 6’ 7”
240 pound man whom was raised by a Marine and an avid outdoorsman, knows how to
build houses, loves shooting guns, hunting, and fishing, and hits the gym. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There has always been a stereotype that <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>men don’t have the best communication skills
and sometimes this is true. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I have worked
as a nurse for many years and have experienced saving lives and watching lives
end. Communicating with families about their loss and helping them through
their tough times seems to come natural to me. Despite years of communicating
and helping others with whatever they need, professional or personal, I always
thought that the only person I was able to talk to was myself. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">When my baby
girl was born, I promised her that I would always have an open heart and an
open ear, something that I never felt I received from my own father. I have
made the same promise to all four of my children; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they know they can talk or ask me anything at
any time. There would never be any judgment, any abandonment, and I want to always
have open communication for them to be able to talk to me about anything.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I am
currently happier than I have ever been and more open to communication thanks
to my beautiful wife (for those of you who know her, she’s a talker!) I can
say I am better now at communicating. Through better communication and opening
up, I came to realize a lot about my past.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The FIRST
thing I realized is I’ve always wanted to talk. I’ve always wanted someone to
listen. I’ve always wanted to get it off my chest.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The first experience that I have with
feeling like this is when I was in Cali and dropped my daughter off before I
had to fly back to Missouri. At this time Heather and I have only known each
other for a short amount of time, but as I drove away breaking down
emotionally, I picked up the phone and called her. Till this day I don’t know
why I did, but it felt right. She didn’t say anything to me but just let me
talk, cry, blabber about random stuff, and drive around my old town for what
seemed like forever.</span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The SECOND
thing I realized is that even if I wasn’t communicating to others doesn’t mean
I didn’t try or want too. As a “manly man” maybe my way of communicating was
different. We don’t like to share our feelings with friends and really do our best
to hide our feelings. But there are always hints, there is always a<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> tell</i> that we can’t hide. The reason
we can’t hide it is because we want someone to see it and we want to talk or
get help. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The THIRD
thing that I have come to realize is there is that one person for every man (or
person) that we can and SHOULD communicate our feelings to. It doesn’t have to
be your wife, your brother, your mother or father that you go and speak to or
open up to. However, there IS someone and that person is the one that we show
our <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tell</i> to but we need to go farther
and COMMUNICATE with that person. It may be hard to say the words “I’m feeling
depressed” or “I’ve been feeling down lately” but we definitely show it in
other ways. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The one
thing I want others to see is that no one emotionless. Look at your “man’s man”
and tell him that you love him and you are here for him. Watch for his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tell </i>and be open to conversations that
might not make any sense or seem like they are going anywhere. Going from a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tell </i>to actually having a conversation about
the way we feel is scary, uncomfortable, and vulnerable. There have been so
many conversations that get cut off or brushed off because they might not make
sense, but we are sometimes just beginning to try to get it out, try to open
up, and try to communicate. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">We all like
to say “if I knew then what I know now, I would of…….” But today is the now and
now is the time to make a change. I have gone through my ups and downs, shut
down to all others around me, and looked for other means to bury my problems
but that never did anything good for anyone else. I am a very confident “manly
man” and I am not afraid tell any of my friends and family I love them no
matter the time or place,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>show affection
to those who need it, talk to anyone who will listen, listen to anyone who
wants to talk, or cry and breakdown to my wife if I am overwhelmed. No one is
too big or strong to be loved or love someone. No one is too big or strong to
communicate. </span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-7099642099601127842016-09-10T15:15:00.002-07:002020-05-12T13:35:00.199-07:00Suicide Prevention - 3 simple things anyone can do<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Suicide
Prevention day… no wait </span><span style="color: red; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Suicide Prevention every day<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Today I have
had a little time to see all the information about suicide prevention that is
flooding social media for World Suicide Prevention Day. It is great as I seen
some information about suicide prevention month as well as suicide prevention
week. It warms my heart to see so much
information going out, and then I began to ponder how great it would be to not
only have a day, a week, and a month dedicated to suicide prevention, but I
think it is time we declaring a Suicide Prevention Year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Imagine all
that we could accomplish if we had society that focused on suicide prevention
every day for one year. I can’t take
credit for the idea; I got the idea from a blog I read earlier </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><a href="http://www.clarionledger.com/story/opinion/columnists/2016/08/28/suicide-prevention-must-year-round/89368496/">“Suicide prevention must be year
round”</a></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I know that
suicide prevention is something I do every day. I know when I struggled at my
darkest moments, I felt all alone. But I
was never really alone, in my darkest depression, I felt like no one else could
ever feel this way or have mental health problems. In 1993, I don’t remember
anyone talking about suicide prevention, and admitting to having mental health
problems; it just didn’t happen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Three simple
things we can do to help make suicide prevention an everyday thing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">1. Be aware – look around, do you see people hurting, do you notice
behaviors of others that are </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> different than usual. Is there someone who appears to be in
distress, overwhelmed or sad?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">2. Education – get training in mental health and suicide prevention. Then
educate others, encourage </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> them to get trained. When you hear someone saying things that
make it sound like mental illness </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> or suicidal thoughts make someone less than a
person --- educate them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">3. Act – because awareness and education mean nothing if we don’t do
anything about it. The truly </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> amazing
thing is anyone can help and it is the simple things that make a difference
such as; “I’m </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> concerned about you, are you ok”, “I can see your hurting, what
can I do”, “are you having </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> thoughts of suicide”. If someone is suicidal and you aren’t able
to help, or you get unsure of what </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> to say, you can call the </span><a href="http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">National Suicide Prevention Lifeline</span></a><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> number yourself, while you are with </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> them and start the conversation. In case it isn’t already programmed in your
phone please do that </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> now 1-800-273-8255.
Acting can also be about getting involved in great organizations like </span><a href="http://www.afsp.org/"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The </span></a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> <a href="http://www.afsp.org/">American Foundation for Suicide Prevention</a></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Awareness + education +
action = saved lives <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Maybe you
are someone who has never been affected by suicide, you can still help. If you want to get a better understanding of
what someone may be feeling who has had thoughts of suicide in the past, but
also to understand the hope that can come, I
encourage you to go to Craig Miller’s </span><a href="http://thisishowitfeels.com/media.html"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">website</span></a><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> and review two of his videos: </span><a href="https://youtu.be/YFDdu7YyGco"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">what if</span></a><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> and </span><a href="http://youtu.be/inu10z_q5YE"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is How it Feels</span></a><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My Pledge
for suicide prevention every day<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I will make
every day about suicide prevention by being aware of the people I am around
whether it is one of my clients, my friends, my family, and strangers. I will be aware. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I will
continue to educate myself about suicide prevention and interventions. I will continue to work to educate others
who need the knowledge. I will work to
educate those that are struggling, that life can get better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I will take
action, when I see someone who may need help.
I will continue to be involved with the </span><a href="http://www.afsp.org/"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">AFSP</span></a><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">, I will continue to participate in </span><a href="https://spsmchat.com/"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">SPSM</span></a><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> where I constantly learn new and
cutting edge information about suicide prevention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-22378902684787051962016-09-05T18:27:00.001-07:002020-05-12T13:29:43.577-07:00Want to Help People? Put on your Football Pads, Y'all!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-746F5ApJ7XQ/V84bTLG70zI/AAAAAAAAABk/vkcz8TXEHE4KXWkmkNTDRhhNLpQnBOpmgCLcB/s1600/brees.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-746F5ApJ7XQ/V84bTLG70zI/AAAAAAAAABk/vkcz8TXEHE4KXWkmkNTDRhhNLpQnBOpmgCLcB/s320/brees.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; mso-no-proof: yes;"><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shapetype
id="_x0000_t75" coordsize="21600,21600" o:spt="75" o:preferrelative="t"
path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" filled="f" stroked="f">
<v:stroke joinstyle="miter"/>
<v:formulas>
<v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"/>
<v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"/>
<v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"/>
<v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"/>
<v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"/>
<v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"/>
</v:formulas>
<v:path o:extrusionok="f" gradientshapeok="t" o:connecttype="rect"/>
<o:lock v:ext="edit" aspectratio="t"/>
</v:shapetype><v:shape id="Picture_x0020_5" o:spid="_x0000_i1025" type="#_x0000_t75"
alt="https://scontent-dft4-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12195916_951732161541016_7273879503983700864_n.jpg?oh=c925329446ff1602ebf2a7d450a0bbf4&oe=58855950"
style='width:468pt;height:309.75pt;visibility:visible;mso-wrap-style:square'>
<v:imagedata src="file:///C:\Users\hjenkins\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.jpg"
o:title="12195916_951732161541016_7273879503983700864_n"/>
</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--></span><o:p></o:p><br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Helping people hurts at times. It hurts because the same
thing that makes us great at helping others-empathy-also makes us more
vulnerable at being hurt. I believe in people. I believe in the good in
everyone and sometimes that results in my being hurt. This is where we can
learn a thing or two from Drew Brees*.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Drew Brees? Really Heather? Yes really. Not only Drew Brees
but football players in general. You see, Drew wears football pads to protect
him from being hurt when/if he gets sacked (zip it Saints haters).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only does he wear football pads, but he
also wears a helmet. Each part of his protective equipment has a particular
purpose and protects certain parts of his body. We need to wear our own type of
football pads to aid ourselves in not being hurt. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">My friend (and bad ass) </span><a href="https://twitter.com/@ursulawhiteside"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "calibri";">Ursula</span></a><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> wrote a blog this week
about being a </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/notes/ursula-whiteside/the-making-of-a-monster/10157401762730427"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "calibri";">MF
Monster</span></a><span style="font-family: "calibri";">. In it, she stated that one should “find your clan”. Yes. Who
protects Drew from getting sacked and hurt? His offensive line. Our clan can
serve as our offensive line. Our clan can protect us from when life tries to
knock the hell out of us. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Another bad ass friend of mine, </span><a href="https://twitter.com/@JoshuaRivedal"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "calibri";">Josh</span></a><span style="font-family: "calibri";">, recently wrote a </span><a href="http://iampossibleproject.blogspot.com/2016/09/some-people-will-be-unconvinced.html"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "calibri";">blog</span></a><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
that spoke to me as well. He writes about the importance of ignoring the
naysayers that try to “zap you dry and steal your sunshine”. This is another
part of our protective pads. Ignore the critics that want to see you fail.
Focus on yourself and your fans. I can assure you that you have fans. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need to be aware
that we need football pads instead of full-on body armor. We sometimes need
that protection to keep us from being hurt but we don’t need to be completely
hard. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After being rejected or hurt, it
would be easy to give up and stop attempting to help anyone ever again. But, I
won’t. You won’t. Wearing our football pads helps to protect us while also
giving us the protection to continue reaching out and helping others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It gives us the protection to get knocked
down, get up, and play another quarter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">*I used Drew Brees because I am a HUGE Saints fan. Anytime I
can combine my love of the Saints and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>mental health advocacy, I will. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-75971470450183016232016-08-23T20:07:00.000-07:002020-05-12T13:30:08.341-07:00How to Properly Wear a Cape
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Some days, I feel as if I am balancing my life pretty well:
saving lives, changing the world, achieving goals by day, earning a graduate degree
by evening, and making Pinterest worthy meals and decorations* <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>for my husband and kiddos at night. I have
even been called Super Woman**. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was
definitely not the case this week. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
client relapsed after a year of sobriety and was struggling. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned that my new school schedule would be
at the exact same time as my sons’ practices so not only was I going to miss
the practices, but I would also have to rely on others to help transport them
to and from the practices. Not to mention the vast amount of work that this
semester of grad school would entail. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
felt like yanking my cape off and tossing it in the corner. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I began to wonder how many other people felt similar. Those
capes that we once wore proudly begin to become tattered, worn, and dirty. The
same piece of fabric that once lifted us up and made us feel invincible and
proud now weighs a ton and is threatening to drag us down. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then, I asked for help. I contacted my support system, my framily,
my cohort, and husband. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cried, vented,
and asked for suggestions. They listened, validated my feelings, and offered to
help. Slowly, I felt as if the weight of my cape was decreasing and it didn’t
seem nearly as heavy as it was before I spoke with them. It felt as if each
member of my support system was helping to hold the cape up, mend it, and help
me clean it off. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You see, we all wear different capes because we all do
amazing things every day. We are all everyday superheroes, if you will.
However, we all need a support system to help hold our capes up from time to
time. The people in the support system then become everyday superheroes. The
point is that none of us can be Super Woman or Superman all the time nor can we
do it alone. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">*-Ok, not total Pinterest worthy meals and decorations. That
may be a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">slight</i> exaggeration. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">**-Although I appreciate the compliment, I’m not even close
to Super Woman. She saves the world in tights and a skin tight body suit. You
win lady. I’ll just keep my cape. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-74978195202861452652016-08-15T17:35:00.001-07:002020-05-12T13:34:08.564-07:00Two things you can do to help save a life<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">What
if I told you there are two things you can do to help save someone’s life. Would
you do it?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">There are two things that all of us are capable of
doing that can help save someone’s life.
This may come more natural to some of you, but for some of us, we may
have to work on it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The First One is Listening<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Notice that I didn’t say hearing; there is a big
difference in listening and hearing. I
love the way </span><a href="http://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/cs/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Mental
Health First Aid</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> teaches about listening. It talks about listening without
judgement. This means listening just to
hear what the other person has to say and to learn why they are hurting. One of my favorite people, </span><a href="http://www.twitter.com/@KevinBerthia"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Grateful Berthia</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">
spoke at our recent conference and he stated “Listening saved my life”. He was talking about Highway Patrol Sergeant </span><a href="http://www.twitter.com/@PivotalPts"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Kevin Briggs</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">.
Even before Grateful Berthia knew who it
was listening to him, he knew he was being listened to. That is one example of
how important and powerful listening can be.
Grateful Berthia shares in his TedxTalk all about the </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/The-Impact-of-Listening-Kevin-B">Impact
of listening</a></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QFnDACyc9Ok/V7JdP0JisYI/AAAAAAAABLU/5ttlEg-YsnQGofvWcMww8gULO7G9gIaKACLcB/s1600/SAM_10591.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QFnDACyc9Ok/V7JdP0JisYI/AAAAAAAABLU/5ttlEg-YsnQGofvWcMww8gULO7G9gIaKACLcB/s320/SAM_10591.JPG" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Grateful Berthia presenting at #SEMOSP16</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Second One is Share
Your Story<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With at least one out of five people struggling with
some type of mental health concern in any given year, there are a lot of people
with lived experience in the world. When sharing their story in an appropriate
way, people with lived experience can be very beneficial to helping others who
may be having the same or similar struggles.
<span style="color: red;">PLEASE NOTE:
you should only share your story when you are comfortable and only share
what you are comfortable with sharing</span>.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It took me almost twenty years before I was ready to
share my story. I can tell you that it
has been rewarding and therapeutic for me, but it has also been scary at
times. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Some tips:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">1. </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Make
sure you want to share your story</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 18.4px;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">2.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Know
why you want to share your story</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 18.4px;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">3. </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">First
share your story with one or a few people you trust and feel comfortable
around. I remember the first person I
told my whole story to was </span><a href="http://www.twitter.com/@heathersjenkins" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Heather Williams</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">.
She listened and I did not feel judged so I shared with a few other co-workers.
As my confidence grew, I began to share it openly, when I feel it is
appropriate or beneficial to help someone else. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">4. Be
prepared for the emotions you may feel after sharing your lived experience</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My friend </span><a href="http://www.twitter.com/@JoshuaRivedal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Josh Rivedal </span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">is
an international speaker who helps share the value of telling your story. When presenting, he helps explain how sharing a story can be
very helpful, beneficial, and inspring.
Josh believes in this so strongly he decided to have a book series
called the </span><a href="http://www.iampossibleproject.com/one.html"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">iMpossible
Project </span></a><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">. S</span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">o
far there is one book in the series in which 50 different people share their
story; the stories show just how powerful and resilient humans can be. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m1Vf7KH80QE/V7JdZDaEBsI/AAAAAAAABLY/Uqvu3enBq4oM-RsCNqDbJrAK1a_ruQz0QCLcB/s1600/SAM_12011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m1Vf7KH80QE/V7JdZDaEBsI/AAAAAAAABLY/Uqvu3enBq4oM-RsCNqDbJrAK1a_ruQz0QCLcB/s320/SAM_12011.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josh Rivedal performing part of his story #SEMOSP16</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Imagine a world where people can feel safe to share
their story and know that they will be listened to (non-judgmentally). </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This is the world I am working towards in my
own life.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I think we have so much we
can learn from each other, if we only listened.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I think we all can benefit from being listened to as well.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-30907533885123128992016-08-07T14:38:00.000-07:002020-05-12T13:30:20.286-07:00Sharing Stigma: Pitbulls and People with Co-Occurring Disorders<img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" height="400" src="https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13718564_10206745921393850_5330515353299718158_n.jpg?oh=81a18d427de50f7b18433aa92a616657&oe=58511EA3" width="400" /><br />
<!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shapetype id="_x0000_t75"
coordsize="21600,21600" o:spt="75" o:preferrelative="t" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe"
filled="f" stroked="f">
<v:stroke joinstyle="miter"/>
<v:formulas>
<v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"/>
<v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"/>
<v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"/>
<v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"/>
<v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"/>
<v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"/>
<v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"/>
</v:formulas>
<v:path o:extrusionok="f" gradientshapeok="t" o:connecttype="rect"/>
<o:lock v:ext="edit" aspectratio="t"/>
</v:shapetype><v:shape id="Picture_x0020_1" o:spid="_x0000_i1026" type="#_x0000_t75"
alt="https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13718564_10206745921393850_5330515353299718158_n.jpg?oh=81a18d427de50f7b18433aa92a616657&oe=58511EA3"
style='width:480pt;height:480pt;visibility:visible;mso-wrap-style:square'>
<v:imagedata src="file:///C:\Users\hjenkins\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.jpg"
o:title="13718564_10206745921393850_5330515353299718158_n"/>
</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Gator, a Boxer/Pit mix and Zeus, a Pit, are anxious
awaiting a treat for sitting still long enough to take a photo. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I never realized how much my role of a pit bull
owner and my role of a co-occurring substance abuse specialist would
intertwine.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Aren’t you scared they are going to turn on you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“They are so violent!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“They are just bad. You can’t fix them.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Aren’t you scared for your family?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Lost causes.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Those are all statements that I have heard in
regards to when people learn I’m a Pitbull Mama and work with people with
co-occurring disorders. The fear and ignorance surrounding both pitbulls and
people with co-occurring disorders is astounding. However, I do see how
pitbulls and people with co-occurring disorders are alike. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Both are perceived as dangerous and violent but
typically have big hearts and treat you with the same amount of respect that
you treat them with. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Both are misunderstood and often times are given up
on because of this reason alone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Both are extremely resilient and can live happy,
healthy lives after experiencing heartbreaking conditions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Both possess incredible amounts of strength. Pits
have massive amounts of physical strength while people with a co-occurring
disorder have immense strength for daily working towards recovery. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Both have been victims of the media painting less than
accurate portraits of them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Both need advocates to help dispel some of the
inaccurate stereotypes and discrimination against them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Both don’t need to be fixed. They need to be loved,
appreciated, supported, and respected. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So, yea. Pitbulls and people with a co-occurring
disorder ARE alike….and I’m lucky enough to be able to be in their lives daily.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" class="spotlight" height="265" src="https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12003331_919096968138267_9080797766294510645_n.jpg?oh=5c400ab85c223200d8c97f6aef75c0d5&oe=582721BD" width="400" /></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Zeus is also a suicide prevention advocate. Here he
is at the Cape Girardeau Out of the Darkness Walk with my husband and son. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-58422913066214171862016-08-01T20:27:00.001-07:002020-05-12T13:33:58.847-07:00Zero Suicide <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">Zero Suicide, is that even possible? </span><a href="http://www.twitter.com/@BartAndrews"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">Dr. Bart Andrews</span></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">,
a friend of mine and a Zero Suicide Faculty member, states “what number would
you be ok with?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">My work in suicide prevention has primarily been in
organizing suicide prevention conferences, teaching Mental Health First Aid, and
providing other trainings. I believed these
things to be important and beneficial, and I still do. However, I believe Zero Suicide can be a game
changer for many reasons and here are my top ten reasons I love Zero Suicide.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-size: large;">It
is a systems approach – it doesn’t rely on one person. The whole health system
is transformed with a focus on policies and protocols using proven interventions
and treatments for people at risk for suicide. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">It
reaches people who would often be overlooked by conventional suicide prevention
and intervention methods. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-size: large;">There
is an easy-to-understand framework and guidance available from the Suicide
Prevention Resource Center (SPRC) to implement the life-saving system changes. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-size: large;">The
framework includes providing support to both the patient and to the clinicians
doing this difficult work to increase engagement reduce burnout. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Leaders
in the zero suicide movement are transparent about what worked for them and
what didn’t. They say “Please contact me if I can help in anyway”. They also
share resources openly and freely. It’s
about saving lives. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Places
that are using the Zero Suicide approach are seeing success. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Even
though there is a framework, it still allows for each agency to tailor their
approach to what works for their specifics such as number of offices, number of
staff, number of clients, rural versus city, and other differences.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">It
changes a culture of an agency, hospital or other system, by increasing
education and awareness of suicide. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-size: large;">There
is a ripple effect. Staff trained
through Zero Suicide can become comfortable and even respected for their lived
experience.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;">When
staff learn these interventions and awareness, it doesn’t just stay at work,
they take it home to their family, their friends, their neighbors and their
community.</span></span></li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">I believe the Zero Suicide approach can be instrumental
in reducing the number of suicides in our country as well as reducing the
stigma (or should I say discrimination) that individuals with mental illness and/or
suicidal thoughts face.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">So what can you do as members of society? I would encourage everyone to demand that
their hospitals and medical offices get trained and adopt a Zero Suicide
framework. I would mandate all mental
health agencies to implement a Zero Suicide framework. If every hospital and mental health agency
was trained in and used the principles of Zero Suicide we would see a dramatic
reduction in suicides. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">As citizens of this country, I would ask you to email
your representatives to help provide funding for Zero Suicide and to make it
mandatory for systems of care to have this training. Here is a link to an example letter: <a href="https://m.facebook.com/notes/zero-suicide-puget-sound/support-zero-suicide-a-letter-to-your-state-senator/1068593059845514/">Sample
letter</a> (you can find your states information at www.afsp.org)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is hard for us to connect with human suffering if
we are not directly affected. It may help to remember that it could be your
family member’s life that is saved or mine.
But if the basic humanity of saving a life isn’t enough, the financial
aspects of reducing suicides and suicide attempts will reduce cost to our
economy due to years of productivity lost to death, sick days and absenteeism, and
reduced work quality. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">I know that the consumers I have talked to about Zero
Suicide love the idea that our agency is taking one more step to help protect
them. They like knowing that we care
about them and that their life is important to us.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">So for me, I will continue to provide traditional
suicide prevention and education, but I am definitely 100% on board with Zero
Suicide and I believe that the systematic changes we are making for Zero
Suicide will save lives.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">Please let your voice be heard in supp</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">ort of Zero
Suicide.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">You can find more information at <a href="http://zerosuicide.sprc.org/">http://zerosuicide.sprc.org/</a> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.twitter.com/@rickstrait777"><span style="font-size: large;">Rick
Strait</span></a> <span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div>
<div>
<div class="msocomtxt" id="_com_4" language="JavaScript">
<!--[if !supportAnnotations]--></div>
<!--[endif]--></div>
</div>
<div>
<div>
<div class="msocomtxt" id="_com_4" language="JavaScript">
<!--[if !supportAnnotations]--></div>
<!--[endif]--></div>
</div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-21495336270913860602016-07-12T17:23:00.000-07:002020-05-12T13:30:28.126-07:00But I Continue
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My co-worker and I were recently discussing our work. We often
see more pain then we do progress. We witness addiction and co-occurring tearing
families apart, making people feel as if they are less than others, stripping away
hope, and convincing people that recovery is hopeless. Sometimes I go home,
cry, and wonder if I really want to, or am able to do this work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I continue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I continue because I
have the unique opportunity to see the good in people that most of society has
written off. I continue because I constantly am able to help people see the
strength in themselves. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I continue
because although difficult at times, it is also incredibly rewarding and
inspiring to see how people can overcome seemingly endless despair to find
happiness and maybe even peace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I recently shared my experience with an eating disorder to
someone. The decision to have the conversation was triggering and the quality
of the conversation was extremely triggering. After the conversation, I learned
that she took the conversation a completely different way than as an attempt to
open up and connect and I was very hurt and mad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of viewing the conversation as a gift
and something to learn from , this person viewed it as a personal attack. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I continue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I continue to share my experience in hope that people be
more aware when making jokes about eating disorders or mental health. I
continue to be proud of how I can use my lived experience as a way to empathize
with other people who struggle. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I continue to use this experience as a way to
further understand the difficulty, and ultimate strength, that it takes for
someone to share their mental health struggles openly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are days that I feel like I’m a failure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every single day I have to consistently maintain
the level of balance that I have found to be beneficial to me-not too much
focusing on food but not too little, not too much exercise but not too little,
not too lax about the kind of food I eat, but not too strict either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s exhausting and frustrating. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A client of mine once said some that resonated
with me. She stated, “I’m tired of being in recovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be recovered”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel ya sister. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I Continue<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I continue to combat these irrational thoughts tirelessly
because I know that every day that I combat them, it gets a tiny bit easier. I
continue to work to maintain my balance and celebrate those days because I know
that those days are little successes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
continue because although I sometimes get tired of being in recovery, one day I
will be recovered. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I continue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-37803102221564273612016-07-04T11:23:00.001-07:002020-05-12T13:33:36.641-07:00I used to hide it better<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>I used to hide it better</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Are you doing ok”, “I’m concerned about you” are
phrases I hear today in my life.
Sometimes it provides comfort, sometimes it makes me think “I used to
hide it better”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember growing up as a child, I grew up in a family that
was loving and they were there for me, but I always hid the feelings that I
felt growing up, that I later learned was depression. My family didn’t know; I hid it better.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember my teenage years, coming home crying, wondering
why I was alive, what is the purpose, why did I feel the way I did. But my teachers, my friends, they never knew;
I hid it better. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember being active in church youth group and trying to
reach out and help others. But at the
same time, wondering why I am alive and wondering if my family wouldn't be
better off if I was gone. The other teens,
church members and the pastor, well they didn’t have a clue; I hid it better. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I joined the Marine Corps, went to and graduated boot camp,
extremely proud, but I still felt like I had no place in this world for me,
that I didn’t fit in, and that I shouldn’t be here. But my fellow marines, they didn’t know; I
hid it better.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had my first child, I loved him so much, I thought for
sure, this would help me feel better, I had a purpose, but that wasn’t the
case, the depression was still there, telling me that my son would be better
off without me, that I would fail him.
I wanted to die, my family, my wife, my fellow marines didn’t have a
clue; I hid it better. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then in 1993, I lost my brother he was 17, I was 19. I
missed him, I loved him and on one level I was jealous wondering why couldn't
it have been me. An accident, my family
would be better off. My wife, my family
had no idea what I was thinking; I hid it better.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After my suicide attempt, I didn’t tell anyone, I continued
to struggle with my thoughts of suicide, not wanting to die, but sad so much of
the time. I remember teaching clients
about the dangers of living behind a mask and thinking, my whole life is a
mask. My family, friends, and co-workers
didn’t know; I hid it better.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fast forward to my life now, I have three children and two
bonus children that mean the world to me, a job I love, family I love, friends
I love, advocacy work I love, and I still have depression that I hate; what has
changed. When I am having a tough time,
my family and my friends ask me if I’m ok. They ask me what is wrong and they
tell me they are concerned. Sometimes
this makes me feel good, that people notice, other times, I get frustrated,
because hiding was much easier at times.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But why the change; because I have chosen to let those
closest to me know what to look for, what behaviors, what to know about me, so
they can intervene. Why do this,
because even though hiding the feelings is sometimes easier, it doesn’t fit
into my plan of being open and honest about my mental health; it doesn’t fit
into my plan for my family, friends, clients or anyone in general to be able to
be open and honest about their mental health.
I want my family and friends to tell me when they hurt, so don’t I owe
them the same. This different approach
has been a life changer. Yes I still
have depression, sometimes overwhelming, sometimes I even have thoughts of
suicide, but I am continually growing stronger, more mentally healthy; I know I
don’t have to act on these thoughts. I
have more good days than bad days, and I know it is because I no longer hide my feelings; I don’t try to wear a
mask. I have accepted that depression
sucks, but it doesn’t have to be a game ender.
I am so glad I took the steps to stop hiding. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to hide it better ….. What was I thinking?<o:p></o:p></div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1558721362326610006.post-35569776489624323092016-06-17T20:55:00.006-07:002020-05-12T13:33:26.530-07:00Welcome to our first blog<div class="MsoNormal">
Welcome to our first blog!
We will be using this blog as a
way to share thoughts and feelings from our own lived experiences in hopes to
help others who have struggled, or may be struggling, be heard and to help educate others about
mental health.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our general theme will be to show how learning to listen to
each other and hear someone’s story can
help save a life; however our post will also focus on providing education,
humor, insight and most importantly, hope. Whether we recognize it or not, we
all have the need and desire to be listened to. We believe that the power of
being heard can be extremely validating and thus very therapeutic. <br />
<br />
Together we will talk about different things related to lived experience,
mental health awareness, suicide prevention, eating disorders, and substance
abuse with the overall belief that if given the right opportunity at the right
time people can recover . . . but they
have to be listened to first.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A little about the authors<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My name is Heather and I am extremely passionate about
reducing the stereotypes that surround mental health. I am able to connect with the individuals that I work with because even though I may
not have the same problems, I have experienced the pain and have struggled
myself for years with an eating disorder. I fully believe that my eating disorder
has helped me become not only a better clinician, but a better, more
understanding and empathic person. I have been told by others that one of my
greatest gifts I have is my ability to not judge anyone for anything and always
see the positive qualities in others. I do that by listening and consistently
looking for the good in each individual, even when they can’t see it
themselves. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My name is Rick I am a suicide attempt survivor, who still
struggles at times with depression at times.
One of my biggest regrets is that
I hid my suicide attempt and my mental health for so many years because I was afraid it would ruin my career in mental health. I have discovered that not only did talking
about my mental health not ruin my career, it made me feel free and I have had
the chance to meet so many wonderful people. I have
the great privilege of getting to work with people that most of society has
written off and I get to hear their story and help them when they are
struggling and getting let them know they have support. I am lucky to have co-workers such as
Heather, who shares the passion for helping people and meeting them where they
are at and just being there with them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We thank you for going on this journey with us.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Heather - heatherwilliams.imhs@gmail.com <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rick - rickstrait777@gmail.com<o:p></o:p></div>
Rickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01580226722703556280noreply@blogger.com2